You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
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Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
DOOO EEEET
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
incredible book dedication
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open