*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
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Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I’m an avid indoorsman.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Catering service
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix