Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
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Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Skills
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears