Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
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Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
🏙👨🏼
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?