Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
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There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
*praying for world peace*
God:
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.