me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
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*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
What a website
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.