when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
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me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.