I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
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Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.