*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
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I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something