I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
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Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.