Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
You Might Also Like
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
work smarter, not harder
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.