I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
My what?
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I have questions??
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out