Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
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There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*