People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
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For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
President The Rock Obama
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.