Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
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Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.