Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
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I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.