*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
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Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)