[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
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I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.