Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
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I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.