Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
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I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
a badder mouse
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.