“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
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pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich