where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
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I really would love to see two mimes arguing
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
He died doing what he loved: being alive