I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
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“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.