Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
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cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.