Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
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I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Encore…
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.