I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
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“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.