FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
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CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I’m Sold!
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.