My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
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[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.