Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
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Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.