Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
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I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?