*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
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butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
thank god the sign was there
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.