If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
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her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.