[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
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My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Said the murderer.
Stop it! 😂