馃槀
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Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Not馃槅馃ぃ
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they鈥檙e able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
A game married people play.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
CW: What鈥檚 your middle name?
Me: It鈥檚 Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don鈥檛 have one.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Is your wife single?