*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
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My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Merica.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.