[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
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Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
#Caturday
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!