Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
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Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.