No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
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me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Holy shit he’s back
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.