Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
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Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit