My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.