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I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
LMAO
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.