Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
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Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
so weird how every mom was born today
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.