*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
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Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
*exercises sarcastically*
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.