Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
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Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
#merica
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
the composer
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.