Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site