Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
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If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
that colleague who touches your screen
Overindulged this afternoon.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.