Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
You Might Also Like
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.