In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
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Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.