Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
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Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit