‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
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whatcha thinkin bout
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
the red hot silly peppers
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
looks legit
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.